Wonderful definitions for designations at office:

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Software Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.
8)Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.
10) HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months


“I will Always Prefer 1st Place”

How about You?

“5th Place”

Popular with both adults and teens, this site offers a myriad of online videos on just about any topic imaginable.
Search by keyword or link to additional related titles from the current video you’re viewing.
Sign up for free and upload your own videos or share and bookmark your favorite videos.
The community area helps with directions and the ability to find out how to perform different tasks at YouTube.
Not sure how to upload your own video? The community is the place to ask.

“4th Place”

Facebook is a social network created to connect people. First made popular by college and high school students, Facebook is used today by people of all ages. Sign up for a free account and start uploading photos and writing notes.
You can also visit other Facebook user pages and get news and insight into a variety of topics.
Once you register, you’ll be able to search for old friends and connect online or seek out new friends.

“3rd Place”

Yahoo is a multi-faceted resource for Internet users, from the advanced search engine functions to free e-mail.
You can easily customize your home page and access local weather, news and events.
Yahoo also offers shopping, information on automobiles and real estate.
Yahoo offers a question and answer area with a wealth of information. Sign up to ask questions or answer questions and collect points.
Old questions and answers are archived for future reference.

“2nd Place”

Google has become such a popular search engine that people have coined the phrase “Googling” to describe searching for topics on the Internet. In addition to serving as one of the top search engines, you can get maps and directions to a variety of destinations, read news articles on today’s hot topics and benefit from an excellent online shopping mall where you can compare prices and read customer reviews on products and retailers. Google also has an email system called Gmail that is free.

“The Winner” “1st Place Goes to….”

Take good care of your brain………
1 Egg
2 Mobiles
65 minutes of connection between mobiles.
We assembled something as per image:

Initiated the call between the two mobiles and allowed 65 minutes approximately…
During the first 15 minutes nothing happened;
25 minutes later the egg started getting hot;
45 minutes later the egg is hot;
65 minutes later the egg is cooked.


The immediate radiation of the mobiles has the potential to modify the proteins of the egg. Imagine what it can do with the proteins of your brains when you do long calls.

Please try to reduce long time calls on mobile phones

Top 20 Replies by Programmers to Testers when their programs don’t work

20. “That’s weird…”
19. “It’s never done that before..”
18. “It worked yesterday.”
17. “How is that possible?”
16. “It must be a hardware problem.”
15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”
14. “There is something funky in your data.”
13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”
12. “You must have the wrong version.”
11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”
10. “I can’t test everything!”
9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”
8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”
7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”
6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”
5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?”
4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”
3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”
2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”
And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don’t work:
Come on, even u say it ……
“It works on my machine”

Feel Better

How to start your day with a positive attitude?

1. Create a "New Folder" on your computer
2. Name it "Project Manager"
3. Send it to trash
4. Empty the trash
5. Your computer will ask you "Do you really want to get rid of "Project Manager"?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly..


Programming Songs

# Local variable
Mein pal do pal ka shayar hoon, pal do pal meri kahani hai pal do pal meri hasti hai..

# Global variable
Main har ik pal ka shayar hoon har ik pal meri kahani hai har ik pal meri hasti hai

# Null pointers
Mera jeevan kora kagaz kora hi reh gaya.

# Dangling pointers
Maut bhi aati nahi jaan bhi jati nahin.

# Goto
Ajeeb dastan hai yeh Kahan shuru kahan khatam Ye manzilen hain kaun si Na woh samajh sake na hum

# Two Recursive functions calling each other
Mujhe kuchh kehna hein mujhe bhi kuchh kehna hein Pehle tum, pehle tum.

# The debugger
Jab koi baat bigad jaye Jab koi mushkil pad jaye Tum dena saath mera hamnawaz.

# From VC++ to VB
Yeh haseen vaadiyan Yeh khula asmaan Aa gaye hum kahan.

# Untrackable bug
Aye ajnabi, tu bhi kabhi, awaaz de kahin se.

# Unexpected bug (esp during presentation to client)
Ye kya hua, Kaise hua, Kab hua, Kyon hua.

# And then to the client
Jab hua, Tab hua, O chhodo, ye na socho.

# Load Balancing
Saathi haath badhana ek akela thak jayega mil kar bojh uthana

# Modem ( modem talk on a busy connection) suno - kaho,kaha - suna,kuch huwa kya? abhee to nahin..

# Windows getting open sourced
Parde mein rahne do parda na uthao parda jo uth gaya to bhed khul jayeha allah meri tauba, allah meri tauba

# F1 : GUIDE

Never Love a Software  Girl

Never love a TESTING girl since she always doubts U.

Never love a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never love a girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never love a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems inINHERITANCE.

Never love a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.

Never Love a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never love a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a CORE.

Never love a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.

Never love a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never love a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.

....Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

Sholay For Software

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar software he had ordered.
They reach Ramgad and start shouting: "Abe O thakur! Kahan hai wo loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya".
Thakur [with anger]: "Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai."
Kaalia: "Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya?"
Thakur: "Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai."
Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop. Kaalia Starts Laughing and says:
"Ha ha... thakur ne freshers ko liya hai ye log Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate."
Veeru shouts: "Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain, Kuch bhi kar sakte hain."
Jay hits some commands on his keyboard, then says: "jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya."

***** AT GABBAR'S DEN...******

Gabbar: "Kitne bugs the?"
Kaalia: "Do sarkaar."
Gabbar: "Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake?
Kya soch keya aye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga?
Naya assignment dega aur increment bhi? Iski saza milegi... barobar milegi."[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa]."Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?"
Sambaa: "Chhey sarkaar."
Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai.[logout - logout - logout]. Haan ab theek hai... ab tera kya hoga Kaalia?"
Kaalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha."
Gabbar: "To ab documentation kar!"

RAMAYAN By Bill Gates

When Bill Gates was in India, he had a chance 2 listen Ramayana from Atal Behari Vajpayee. After, returning 2 US he wrote it in his personal Diary.A Tabloid in US got a copy of his writings. These are excerpts from his diary.
Ramayana by Bill Gates...

LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTALL RAM as his successor.However, Queen CIE/CAE(KaiKayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a lifesaving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at theinstigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be CUT-N-PASTED to the forest for 14years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed through DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less. RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother.The forest was the dwelling of SPARCnakha, the TRAN-SISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN-ka.Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM,politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRAN-SISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, which, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.


RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM.SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta. His ROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something about 'C'ta. Some of them even shouted 'YA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND MESSAGES'. Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless.Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at anastonishing CLOCK SPEED. Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself intoLAN-ka.After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE. Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta.After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a 'STATUS_OK' MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta carptured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'.Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES toRAM and SU-greev. RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle.One of the RAW-wan'sSUN(son) almost DELETED RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REFORMATTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived happily ever after.

1. What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering black visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?
Adopt a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a black paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taki ng one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

Answer These
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . .

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

You know you're living in 21st Century when... 

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and 
you turn around to go and get it. 

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. 

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Google Arti


Learn ABCD....
A for apple
B for bada apple

C for chhota apple
D for dusra apple
E for ek aur apple
F for fokat ka apple
G for gol apple
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaana hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii khane padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple

Z for zaraasa aur khaalo apple...


Munna Bhai - Supariwala

To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA)


B.S. (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994
M.S. (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and
The Unlawful Activists(VPISUA), August 1996.

"On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts"

Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer
Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object
Oriented Crime Design

Work Experience:
Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990-Aug 1991
Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry; and mint flavors (Patent# 007,13,666)

Summer Internship:
Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay, June1987-July1990
Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style killings
Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta Collections

Honors & Achievements:
Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies in crime)
Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter
Performer of the year in 2004 General Elections in Bihar & U.P. Strong hold on Govt. & NGOs.
Specialized in extortion,illegal construction business & fake academic degree supply.

Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof., Tihar Jail, New Delhi
Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty Tihar Jail, New Delhi
Dr. Dawood Ibrahim, Overseas Projects Manager, Pakistan